The Myth of “The One” – Is Soulmate Thinking Holding You Back from Real Love?
For generations, we’ve been fed the idea that there’s one perfect person out there waiting for us—our soulmate, “The One,” our missing half. Sounds romantic, right? But in today’s dating landscape, is this belief actually helping us find love, or hurting our chances of building real, lasting relationships?
In Episode 2 of Going Beyond the Bedroom with LTAS, I explored whether soulmates are real or just a romantic fantasy. But today, I want to take this conversation even deeper by looking at:
🔹 Where did the soulmate myth come from? (Hint: It’s ancient!)
🔹 The psychology behind why we cling to “The One”
🔹 What science says about love—can we predict compatibility?
🔹 How to shift from a soulmate mindset to a growth-oriented approach to relationships
If we let go of the idea that there’s only one perfect person for us, we can start embracing the reality that healthy relationships are built—not just found.
Where Did the Idea of “The One” Come From anyway? 🤔
The idea of a soulmate can be traced back to Greek mythology—Plato’s Symposium describes how humans were created as one being with two heads, four arms, and four legs. The gods, fearing their power, split them in half, forcing them to search for their other half for the rest of eternity. Sound familiar?
Fast forward to modern romance, and we still hear versions of this myth everywhere:
💌 Fairy tales tell us that love is fated (“When you know, you know!”). Think Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty—true love always “finds a way.”
🎬 Hollywood sells us the idea of a perfect soulmate (cue dramatic rain-soaked love confessions) where couples always meet serendipitously with tidy “meet cutes” (charming, often humorous or unexpected first encounter between two people who are destined to have a romantic relationship) suggest that our star-cross love is just one encounter away.
🎶 Pop music reinforces “the one and only” narrative (think: "I will always love you" vibes) reinforcing the idea that one person completes us.
The problem? Real-life love isn’t a script—it’s a series of choices. So in a world of dating apps and the dreaded “swipe culture”, rising divorce rates, and shifting relationship dynamics, is it time to rethink this outdated ideal?
Why Do We Cling to the Idea of “The One”? 🧠
Even though we logically know there isn’t just one person for us, many of us still hold onto the idea. Why?
1️⃣ It Provides Comfort in an Overwhelming Dating World
With endless choices on dating apps, believing in “The One” simplifies things. If we only have one person meant for us, we don’t have to worry about choosing the wrong one.
2️⃣ It Takes the Pressure Off Personal Growth
If love is destined, we don’t have to actively work on our relationships. But in reality, great relationships require self-awareness, effort, and communication skills. And with seemingly endless choices, it’s not surprising that we’re more confused and unhappy than ever before.
3️⃣ It Feeds Into Romantic Idealism
Many of us grew up being told that true love should be effortless. If we have to work at it, then maybe it’s not “meant to be.”
(Spoiler alert: All relationships require work! 🚨)
This brings us to the science of love. If soulmates don’t exist, what actually makes relationships last and can we curate a version of “the one” that allows us to be truly content with one person for the rest of our lives?
What Science Says About Love & Compatibility 🔬❤️
If soulmates were real we’d expect science to back it up. But research tells us a different story—lasting relationships are not about destiny but about choice and effort.
1️⃣ The Science of Attraction is Complex
Studies show that initial chemistry (that butterflies in your stomach feeling) isn’t always an indicator of long-term compatibility though the rise in dopamine we feel in the early stages of a relationship does help us build connections. The challenge? That dopamine rush fades over time, and what remains is what truly determines the strength of a relationship. This is why emotional connection, shared values, and mutual effort matter more in the long run. In layman’s terms - just because someone makes your heart race doesn’t mean they’re a good match for life.
Attachment theory suggests that our childhood experiences shape who we are drawn to—sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Beyond childhood, our relationship history along with the past experiences of the people we connect with - further influences the dynamics that we bring to our partnerships. Unresolved wounds, past betrayals, or even positive relational models all shape how we attach, trust, and navigate intimacy. This is why patterns repeat—until we become aware of them and intentionally shift our approach to love and connection.
2️⃣ Compatibility is Built, Not Found
Research from the Gottman Institute found that the key to lasting love isn’t about finding a “perfect match”—it’s about how couples navigate conflict, communicate, and grow together. This is important because it means that not only do relationships require work, but the individuals in the relationship need to be committed to continual personal development and self-awareness in order to sustain relationship growth. When both partners are evolving—emotionally, mentally, and relationally—the relationship has a stronger foundation to thrive.
Successful couples aren’t just meant to be—they are intentional about building trust, intimacy, and emotional safety.
3️⃣ Love Changes Over Time
Neuroscientists have found that the “honeymoon phase” of love (where dopamine and adrenaline run wild) lasts about 12-24 months. Yet several relationships last decades suggesting that there is a formal for longevity - one that goes beyond initial passion and requires resilience, adaptability, and mutual effort from both partners. Long-term love isn’t about maintaining the intensity of the honeymoon phase; it’s about deepening emotional connection, fostering trust, and continuously choosing each other through life’s changes.
Relationships require emotional connection, shared experiences, and a commitment to growth.
So How do we shift from the “Soulmate Mindset” to a Growth-Oriented Approach 🌱
If we let go of the soulmate fantasy, does that mean love is just about settling? Not at all. Instead of chasing an idealised, perfect soulmate or “The One,” consider reframing love as a journey of growth and commitment. We could also try embracing these key relationship truths:
Choose a Partner Based on Values, Not Just Chemistry
Ask yourself: “Can I build a life with this person?” instead of “Do they feel like my missing half?” Thankfully, we don’t live in ancient Greece or in Plato’s Symposium. We are whole beings who contribute to the lives of those around us, rather than searching for someone to “complete” us. A strong relationship isn’t about finding your missing piece—it’s about choosing a partner who complements your growth, supports your journey, and builds a life with you, not for you.
Look for shared values, emotional intelligence, and the ability to navigate conflict.
Recognise that love is a Choice, Not Just Fate – The strongest relationships are built on commitment, shared values, and daily effort—not just a magical spark.
The longest partnerships don’t last because of fate—they stay together because they choose each other every day.
Instead of waiting for a “perfect match,” look for someone willing to grow, communicate, and put in the effort.
Let Go of the Idea That Relationships Should Be Effortless
Love isn’t about finding someone who never triggers you—it’s about finding someone who is willing to work through challenges with you.
Instead of saying “If we were soulmates, this wouldn’t be so hard,” try asking, “Are we both willing to do the work to make this a strong, healthy relationship?”
Multiple People Could Be a Good Match for You – Research shows that successful relationships are less about “finding The One” and more about how couples navigate challenges together.
Growth Over Perfection – Instead of looking for a “perfect fit,” seek a partner willing to grow with you, communicate openly and honestly, and work through challenges respectfully.
What Does This Mean for Modern Dating?
In today’s world of apps, casual dating, and evolving relationship structures, it’s more important than ever to rethink outdated beliefs about love. If you’ve been searching for “The One” and feeling frustrated, maybe it’s time to shift your mindset. But this does not mean that you cannot curate and create your perfect relationship by being the best partner you can be (for yourself and the other). By choosing love each day, we can become more attune to our own needs and those of our partner.
Instead of asking:
❌ “Is this person my soulmate?”
Try asking:
✅ “Do we share the same values, communicate well, and support each other’s growth?”
❌ “Is there someone better out there for me?”
Try asking:
✅ “Am I bringing my full, authentic self to this relationship and nurturing the best in my partner?”
These suggestions do not negate the fact that some relationships are unhealthy and that some partners may not be right for us. However, they offer a new framework and a fresh perspective on how we approach our relational selves. When we recognise that our best relationships are within reach by striving to become the best version of ourselves, we are more likely to attract a partner who is on the same journey.
Final Thoughts: Should We Abandon the Soulmate Ideal?
Believing in soulmates isn’t inherently bad—it’s a beautiful, hopeful idea. But if this belief is stopping you from fully committing, building real intimacy, or seeing love as a choice, it might be worth rethinking modern love.
💬 What do you think? Do you believe in soulmates, or is love about intentional partnership? Let’s chat in the comments!
🔗 Listen to the full episode now – available on all podcast platforms!
🎙️ Next Episode: “Love in the Age of Burnout – Why Relationships Feel Harder Than Ever” Out March 19th - Don’t miss it!