Why communication isn’t the real problem in relationships (and what couples actually need)
What couples are really asking for when they say ‘we can’t communicate’.
This is a 10 minute read.
Most couples arrive in therapy convinced that poor communication is the reason their relationship feels strained, disconnected, or emotionally unsafe. From my initial discovery call with them, to our very first session together, I often hear statements such as:
“We just don’t talk anymore.”
“We can’t communicate.”
“We’re always arguing.”
Why I appreciate and acknowledge that these statements are more than complaints (they are lived experiences), I am all to aware that there are nuances beneath the surface that hold the whole story.
As an Integrative Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist, this is one of the most common stories I hear, and yet, it is rarely the whole truth. Because most couples are talking all the time.
They talk about work; about the children; about money; about who didn’t do what. They may even complain that sex is an issue or that the dishes get left undone. Cries about who feels unappreciated or lonely may all be part of their weekly dialogue, and yet, they report that communication is their biggest challenge.
In reality, the issue isn’t communication or silence. It’s what happens inside those conversations.
Here’s what I see in my therapy room
When couples first come me, I usually invite them to talk to each other while I listen. After they’ve shared their complaints, with communication almost always topping the list, I step back and simply observe.
I don’t interrupt.
I don’t redirect.
I watch.
What I typically see is not a lack of words, but an abundance of them: explanations, justifications, criticisms, defences, demands, blame, frustrations, corrections, and more.
Eventually, when the couple remembers I am in the room, I gently say something like:
“I don’t think that you actually have a communication problem at all. In fact, you speak very well! You just don’t like how it feels when you do.”
This moment is often followed by a pause , the kind that tells me something important has landed. Because beneath the words is something far more powerful. And that is, emotional safety.
The real issue is very rarely communication, and almost always, it’s safety
When couples say they are struggling with communication, what they are often really saying is:
“I don’t feel safe to be honest.”
“I don’t feel heard when I speak.”
“I’m afraid of how my partner will react.”
“It’s easier to stay quiet than to risk conflict or rejection.”
This is not a communication failure, it is a nervous system response.
When a relationship no longer feels emotionally safe, the body moves into protection. People withdraw, attack, avoid, placate, or over-explain. These patterns are not signs of emotional immaturity, they are signs of unmet attachment needs.
And over time, partners begin to talk around the truth rather than from it, even when the feelings they express feel so close to the facts.
Here is why talking more doesn’t fix it
Many couples try to solve this by talking more. Having more “relationship conversations”, reading communication books, or learning scripts for how to express themselves. And to be honest, as therapists, we may often encourage or insight this (albeit not necessarily in the ways they do it).
But without safety, even the best communication tools fall flat.
You can say all the right words and still feel alone.
You can be articulate and still feel misunderstood.
You can be calm and still feel invisible.
Intimacy does not grow through better phrasing, it grows through emotional attunement. And this attunement, is something that we’re taught at school. It’s something we learn over time by experience and through practice.
When a partner feels emotionally met (not shamed, not judged, not rejected), their nervous system relaxes. And when it does, truth becomes easier. When truth becomes easier, intimacy begins to rebuild.
So, what do couples actually need
What most couples are longing for is not better communication, it is (as I mentioned earlier) emotional security.
They want to know:
“Will you stay present when I’m vulnerable?”
“Will you listen without trying to fix or defend?”
“Will I still matter to you when I tell you something difficult?”
These questions form the the foundation of deep connection, sexual intimacy, and lasting partnership.
And until that foundation is restored, built or established, communication will always feel like a battlefield rather than a bridge.
If your relationship feels stuck, disconnected, or emotionally distant, it may not be because you don’t know how to talk, but because something deeper is waiting to be made safe enough to be heard.
If this resonated with you, and you want to learn more through therapy for yourself or your relationship, reach out to me on info@ltas.uk.
And until next time, let’s talk about it, because the conversation we’re not having about these issues may be the most important ones yet.