Why couples become sexless, and what you can do about it
When people hear the term “sexless relationship”, they often imagine a relationship that has completely failed. But in reality, many couples experience periods where intimacy changes, decreases, or disappears altogether, sometimes gradually, and sometimes suddenly.
For some couples, this can create feelings of rejection, loneliness, shame, frustration, or confusion. For others, it becomes the “unspoken issue” like an elephant in the room, sitting quietly beneath everyday life.
Research suggests that low or infrequent sexual intimacy is relatively common in long-term relationships, and so I often invite people to think about how often they would like to be intimate rather than what feels like it should be happening. The assumptions of what is "normal" can add to our sense of being below par with our intimate lives.
It is important to note that while definitions vary, some studies describe a sexless relationship as one where sexual intimacy occurs fewer than 10 times a year. When framed like this, most people would admit that their relationship may not actually be "sexless" but rather that their intimate lives feel different from their desires, needs or wants)
However, frequency alone does not tell the whole story. One couple may have infrequent sex and still feel emotionally connected, while another may experience regular sex but still feel emotionally distant.
What matters most is often not the number itself, but what the absence of intimacy begins to mean within the relationship.
Why do relationships become sexless?
There is rarely one single cause. More often, sexless relationships develop through layers of emotional, relational, psychological, physical, and practical factors building over time.
Some common contributing factors include:
Stress and burnout
Parenting and exhaustion
Emotional disconnection
Unresolved conflict or resentment
Mental health difficulties such as anxiety or depression
Hormonal or physical health changes
Body image struggles
Trauma or past sexual experiences
Cultural or religious shame around sex
Different desire levels within the relationship
Feeling emotionally unseen or unappreciated
Long-standing communication difficulties
For many couples, intimacy does not disappear because love has disappeared. Sometimes it disappears because safety, emotional closeness, playfulness, rest, trust, or vulnerability have slowly eroded, often unnoticed until it feels like it's too late.
The impact of a sexless relationship
The emotional impact of sexlessness can be significant, particularly when couples stop talking openly about it.
One partner may feel unwanted or rejected, while the other may feel pressured, anxious, guilty, or misunderstood. Over time, couples can begin to avoid physical affection altogether for fear it may lead to conflict, disappointment, or expectation.
This can create a cycle where both partners feel alone, even while living side by side.
What can help?
The good news is that many couples can rebuild intimacy when they begin addressing the true, underlying dynamics rather than focusing solely on performance or frequency.
Helpful starting points often include:
Creating honest but compassionate conversations
Many couples avoid talking about sex because they fear hurting one another or triggering conflict. However, avoiding the conversation altogether often increases distance and misunderstanding.
Exploring the emotional relationship
Sexual intimacy is often closely connected to emotional safety, trust, stress levels, and the overall quality of each individual's life, as well as of the relationship itself.
Reducing shame and blame
Couples can easily fall into patterns of criticism, defensiveness, or self-blame. A more helpful approach is becoming curious about what the relationship may be expressing through the loss of intimacy.
Understanding desire differences
It is completely normal for partners to have different levels or styles of desire. Learning how desire works can be transformative for many couples. A psychosexual therapist or some commonly available literature can help with this. This is especially useful where the issues lie beyond emotional safety.
Seeking support
Sometimes couples need a safe and structured space to explore difficult patterns, emotional wounds, communication issues, or psychosexual concerns with professional support.
Final thoughts
A sexless relationship does not automatically mean a relationship is doomed. Often, it is a sign that something within the relationship, the individual, or the wider pressures of life needs attention and care, and with some intentionality, resolution is often closer than we think.
With openness, understanding, and support, many couples can rebuild connection, emotionally, physically, and relationally, in ways that feel more authentic and meaningful for both partners.
If you need support with your life or your intimate relationship, reach out to a professional therapist for guidance on how you can navigate these experiences and more.